Difficult relationships and how to deal with them.

Common knowledge suggests that relationships are a hard work, that fights and misunderstandings are normal part of it etc. But should it really be that way?

How to tell if you're in a toxic relationship — and what to do about it

In my most recent coaching session I had to deal with a woman troubled by extremely toxic relationship lasting for more than 20 years. So I decided to use the opportunity and write about this very important topic bothering so many people in one form or another. I don’t necessarily find the word toxic the most appropriate in reference to the relationship, as many people who use this word blame others for creating it, without acknowledging their own part of the situation.

But before we go into details, let me start with the fact that common knowledge suggests that relationships are a hard work, that fights and misunderstandings are normal part of it etc. But should it really be that way? And while believing this paradigm, don’t we tend to overlook the challenges and accept our relationships just as they are, no matter how much stress we might experience in them? Some toxic relationship become so habitual that we end up accepting them as normal. We might not even know what a better relationship really looks or feels like or if it even exists. I remember I was questioning this myself when being in a very detrimental relationship. Even being raised in a peaceful household by wonderful parents, I was questioning if my back-then unhealthy relationship qualified as a ‘’standard’’. 

By now I’ve heard many stories, where a person only realized the toxicity level of their relationship only after they manage to exit it and reflect on it from the distance. With this, by no means I’m suggesting that existing toxic relationship is always the best option. Why? Because if you don’t change something in you, which created it on the first place, you might soon find yourself in a similar situation but with a different person.

Nevertheless, I strongly believe that no relationship should cost you the price of your joy and peace, and most importantly your health.

By the way let me also mention that toxic relationships don’t necessarily have to be romantic. They can just as well be between family members, colleagues and as well as with friends.

So what qualifies as detrimental relationship?

A toxic/detrimental relationship is often characterized by dominance, control, anxiety and insecurity where one or both partners don’t feel supported by each other. Conflict arises quite often, and one or both partners undermine each other, leaving one another feeling disrespected and misunderstood.

On very basic level, toxic relationship is the result of a lack of empathy from one or both partners. It’s the inability and/or unwillingness to understand what it feels like to be in another person’s shoes. The level of toxicity differs from relationship to relationship; some might mistakenly consider that relationship achieved toxicity level only when the physical abuse comes into play, but the truth is, if one or both partner regularly and habitually lose their energy and joy in a relationship it is a sign that relationship is in distress and requires immediate attention. Prolonged distress in relationship often leads to physical and mental ailments unfortunately.

Common signs that you are in a toxic relationship?

The most obvious sign is when a person goes through physical violence, abuse or harassment in the relationship. This should be addressed immediately. However most of the time, the signs of toxic relationships are not that obvious.

Your emotional state is the best indicator for that. If you feel that your energy with the person is being drained on a regular basis and habitually, it means that you are in highly distressed relationship. That’s a clear red flag indicating that you ought to do something about it.

As you might be the last person to realize the level of your distress, pay attention to what your close friends or family members are observing and telling you.  

What should you do if you’re in a toxic relationship

If you think you are in a toxic relationship, it’s time to act upon it.

#1.Simply acknowledging the situation and becoming aware that you are in an unhealthy relationship is already your first big step. It means that you left the illusion that ‘’this is normal, and the way it should be’’. This makes you closer to shifting the situation.

#2. Step two – unless this is your immediate family members or your primary caregivers who you didn’t consciously chose, you will need to acknowledge that you are also responsible for creating this relationship the way it is. Blaming another person for all wrong-doings and your negative feelings, will strengthen your victim position which will not serve you in a positive way. So acknowledging the responsibility for your part and for your own feelings is empowering step you will need to take.

Even if other person blames you for everything that goes wrong and for their feelings, know that you are not responsible for their feelings, but only for yours.

#3. Try your best to look at the situation from an observer perspective. When you step out of your own shoes, you are more likely to see the bigger picture. Observing yourself and your partner from the side will most likely give you a very valuable and a different insight on what triggers negative spirals in your negative habit loops. This will enable you to see which of your own needs and which of one of the other person’s needs are not met. Finding an answer to a question – what should change in order for my need to be met, and what should change in order for my partner’s need to be met, is a key.

#4. Ask yourself if you’re willing to continue to work on this relationship. If not, then cutting off the relationship is your clear act. If yes however, there are once again options of accepting the situation the way it is – which in a longer run will most likely cost you even more energy, unless your acceptance comes with a lot of consciousness. Or, you act upon changing your situation. You may find a relationship consultant/coach who can help untangle the situation. Or you may decide to look at the situation from a different perspective, which will shift your emotions towards it. It is not an easy work which takes time and efforts on both ends, but it can be a very rewarding experience on the path of your personal growth.

#5. No matter what your decision will be, to leave/ignore or stay in the relationship, your next best action would be becoming merciful and forgiving the person. Forgiveness takes the relationship and the kindness to a whole new level. Be aware that you are doing this kindness to yourself on the first place, as you will allow different and more uplifting energy dynamics to flow into your relationship. Know that truly forgiving someone is the fastest way to shifting the relationship with a person to a new level as well as finding peace within yourself. For this I would like to highly recommend reading the book ‘’Radical Forgiveness’’ by Colin Tipping.